There Is No Ethan: How Three Women Caught America’s Biggest Catfish by Anna Akbari
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This was fascinating in the way a train wreck is in real time. It’s horrible but captivating. Three intelligent, educated women fall in love with someone going by the name Ethan (“E”). They meet on dating apps but only texting at first. E provided pictures, but no live video chat. E was witty, articulate, responsive to texts and emails, and good-looking in the photos. Of course the photos were of someone else. E is indeed a sick, manipulative person who victimized these women. The author, a professor, confesses her own obsession with E despite weeks of canceled dates or other in-person meetings, broken promises, implausible excuses, and other red flags. It took guts for her to put her own vulnerability out there.
The book was fascinating to me in another way. Through it I experienced a sample of online dating, which is something I’ve never done IRL. I’m a senior citizen and married (45 years now) long before personal computers even existed. Reading how people do this is like an explorer coming across a new civilization in some remote island with a bizarre culture. In fact, I envied the author and her fellow victims in a way because I had a very hard time dating as a young person since I don’t drink or smoke and couldn’t stand being around those activities, so that barred going to bars or parties. I literally went for year-long stretches without a date at one point when I was transferred to a new city three times in three years and didn’t know anyone in each. Still, this book does not make it seem appealing.
I loathe the idea of victim-blaming and I don’t blame these women, but I still find in hard to get my head around how they fell down this rabbit hole. The elderly women who fall for the scammers imitating their grandsons stuck in jail and needing bail money are also true victims, but you can’t help but think of it a bit as a Darwinian process. Still, those victims were of diminished mental abilities, whereas the victims in this case were sharp and accomplished and at the top of their game. One of the victims was obsessed for years. Men also get catfished as we know from the football player case mentioned in the book, but I don’t buy the idea that it can happen to anyone. Some women reading this review will probably be outraged at that. Oh well.
The author writes well and overall I enjoyed the book, but it is quite repetitive, consisting mostly of quotes or summaries of long online chats between E and the victims and the disruptions to their lives, e.g. taking leave from work, spending tons of money on international texts or calls (E was in Ireland at times), staying up late for hours, flunking classes, etc. I skipped liberally and recommend you do, too. Best of all, though, is that E is eventually identified and forced into a sort of atonement and real-life consequences. I was very surprised to find out the real identity of E. The ending is mostly satisfying, though not entirely so.